Ladies and gentlemen: Concrete

Joshua Goldberg

Materials: The Psychodynamics of Concrete

February 12^th, 2012

The Psychodynamics of Concrete

Doctor Sigmund Freud was the forefather of modern psychology through his highly controversial study of the psychodynamics comprising the underlying motives of human behavior…. But what about material behavior? I, Josh Goldberg, once again have embarked on a ground-breaking psychological study concerning the nature of a very essential and “rock hard” material that helps lay the foundation of our human culture. I of course am talking about the pimp master-flash known as concrete. Let us first examine the biographical history of concrete before we delve deeper into the eccentricity of his psychological essence.

Concrete grew up in Juneau Alaska where he developed many significant friendships with wolves in addition to the Coca Cola Polar Bear. Concrete and the Coke bear connected instantly over the shared hatred of plastic, which is really kind of a lame material if you think about it. I mean, seriously, it’s a pretty trippy material. It’s clear but sturdy at the same time; you’d think that they could make it at least a little colorful. Like maybe they should put Coke in yellow plastic bottles, it could really profit amongst yellow color loving peoples. At least, I thought it was interesting idea…Anyways, Concrete was an awkward child. Mr. Concrete was mostly absent from Concrete’s childhood, as he was usually basked out in the sun trying to cement himself in Alaskan culture. Consequently, Mrs. Concrete worked several jobs in order to compensate for Mr. Concrete’s laziness including being a seamstress in a local dry cleaners, an airline stewardess, and strangely enough a dancer at the local strip club titled “Naughty Linens N’ Things”. Our main protagonist was therefore forced to act as a caretaker amongst his siblings Rock, Hard, and Abs (Cement, Concrete’s stepbrother, was not present at the time during his childhood. Mrs. Concrete would later divorce Mr. Concrete and marry Mr. Granite).

Concrete would graduate high school with several honors (mostly in chemistry and geology) and would go on to attend college at Heavy Metal University. In High school, Concrete became a fitness consigliore to Rubber, who as I said last week, hated physical exercise (Iron was Concrete’s most adamant advisor and later appeared on the cover of Men’s Health magazine). I digress; Concrete would sadly drop out of school as a result of a rare sexual confusion disorder, where he actually forgot his gender. I know, it’s pretty crazy… I mean how could you forget your own gender? I mean, just go in the restroom and check for yourself... It’s really not that difficult. But he had it; weird. Anyways, herein lies the beginnings of our discourse of Concrete’s psychological mental status.

Though I have only been liscensed to practice in the African country known as Chad (It is worth noting that Chad edged out Chuck, Larry, and Gaylord in a vote by the people for the country’s name), and have only thus far practiced psychotherapy on lions and horizontally striped zebras, I believe I am competent enough to discuss my findings on our friend, concrete. Concrete tends to dwell best when compressed, rather than under tension. This probably reflects the nature of his relationship with his absent father, who we could say neglected him throughout most of Concrete’s childhood. After consulting Sigmund Freud’s grandson, Tommy Freud, it is assumed that Concrete has tremendous penis envy of his father. Weird again, but it’s the cold hard truth…. Poor Concrete.

In addition, Concrete’s obligations as caretaker for the rest of his siblings weighed heavily upon his psyche, and at times he felt extremely overwhelmed. Concrete developed restless leg syndrome as a result of his narcolepsy, where he, like his father, dries up and falls asleep very quickly under the sun. Basically, it would suck to be concrete.

Concrete is currently planning on returning to college in the fall, as he is currently being treated for his psychological problems at the Lindsay Lohan Institute of Really Screwed Up People. We wish him a speedy recovery and much success in all of his future endeavors.