Joshua Goldberg
February 9, 2012
Rubber Report 2012
What is this creature that dwells inside our supermarket superballs? Who is this character that composes our tires with such bouncy precision…
The answer, of course is rubber. Must of us use this kind and congenial being on a daily basis, but how many of us can say that we actually know this creature on a more personal level? After laboring some 50 hours this week doing intense investigative reporting, I, Josh Goldberg, have uncovered some groundbreaking knowledge concerning the behavior of our bouncy friend.
Rubber enjoys sleeping 8 hours a night and prefers to flip his pillow after the fourth hour of sleep. He frequently dreams about bouncing around in the racquetball courts, as he happily glides off white glistening walls of sweaty competition. Rubber usually wakes up at approximately 11:03 am, hops off to the kitchen where he enjoys a nice warm cup of Folgers with frosted flakes (he delights in utilizing fat free milk in his cereal, as he has gained some weight after entering middle age and he absolutely hates physical exercise). Rubber then adjourns to the living room where he spends his days in the company of his friend, the couch potato, as they watch television for a greater majority of the day. Couch Potato and Rubber usually watch a handful of shows including Cops, Friends, Spongebob Squarepants, and oddly enough, Gilmore Girls (Rubber does like to get in touch with his feminine side from time to time). Sometimes, when Rubber is feeling ambitious, he likes to head out for a nice round of golf with his other friend, Iron. Rubber doesn’t like Iron so much because Rubber is jealous of Iron’s strength and brawn (Iron does tend to get all the ladies).
Rubber grew up in the suburbs of Chatsworth (aka the Porn capital of the world), where his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Rubber, were pioneers in a certain industry of which Rubber never knew the exact details. Anyways, Rubber is of mixed descent (his father being black, his mother Caucasian), so our friend would be considered Albino (this is probably how his friendship with the albino squirrel began some years later). Our friend considers himself Jewish and keeps kosher. He visits Rabbi Tennis Raquet once every couple of weeks in order to maintain their friendship, which has lasted long after his bar mitzvah some thirty years ago. Rubber later moved to Austin Texas at the age of 18, in order to begin life as a college boy at UT.
When Rubber moved away from home to go to college, he became immersed in university culture, most notably, the fraternity life. As a liberal arts major in Human Sexuality Studies (in which he began to understand his parents role in the birth of contraception use), Rubber encountered a very manageable workload and found his way into his addiction of alcohol and later LSD. Our friend joined the Beta Alpha Mu fraternity (otherwise known as BAM) and over a four year span accumulated a 153-1 beer pong record (his only loss coming to a team comprised of Mr. Red Solo Cup and Mr. Ball). After graduating in the early 1990’s, Rubber dedicated his life to the family business in the adult entertainment industry and retired only a few years ago.
Rubber has remained faithful to his life partner, Couch Potato, for the last fifteen years and looks forward to their wedding in New York, July 2013.
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