Wood Part 1

Joshua Goldberg

April 1^st, 2012

Wood Report

Hello all… After taking a brief sabbatical from my weekly/monthly/every other monthlyish blog on materials in which I observed the mating behavior of anorexic lesbian hippopattomi (plural of hippopotamus according to urban dictionary… I think), I’m back, baby. After traveling through the African plains of Chad its neighboring country, Fred, I have once again found my passion for discussing the psychological and biographical behaviors of certain materials in their natural habitat. Though rubber and cement were equally captivating and unique in their individual characteristics, perhaps neither maintains the god-like perfection of our next material, Wood.

After examining native African Joshua trees (perhaps the greatest tree known to man. Might I add that’s its extremely good-looking and very muscular just like real-life Joshuas). The question we have been all asking ourselves for the last two and a half centuries crossed my mind. This question sparked my interest for exploration for our hard and erect friend…. So what is this question you ask?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood? According to Eli Lipsky, a future economist and investor of the pizza company entitled “Legit Pizza”, the answer is 7. After scratching my head for a good few seconds, I began to ask him for more clarification of his answer but the elusive Lipsky disappeared from my sight as a great herd of Abercrombie and Hollister models crossed the African plains of Fred that were laid before me.

Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but feel intrigued by the question at hand. I reasoned that the number of woods a woodchuck could chuck was highly dependent on the confidence level of Wood on that given day. I asked Clinical Psychologist, Sigmund Freud Goldberg (the youngest ever canine to garner a doctorate degree in psychology at the young age of 3 months), about the importance of the confidence and self-esteem levels of our stiff friend, Wood. He instead was more interested in fetching tennis balls, chasing cats and licking his, oh shall we say “manly” regions and henceforth was of no such help. To my dismay, the woodchuck woodchucking conundrum was not as easy to answer as originally anticipated. But then, the an idea rivaling the greatness of those of Galileo Galile, John Locke, and Vanilla Ice came to me and my question finally became approachable, and eventually, solvable.

I harkened back to my childhood to a time where I wasted away weekends watching endless marathons of cartoons on cartoon network…. It was time for me to meet The Woody Woodpecker.

Now to briefly digress from this topic, you may be asking yourself why I would ask an individual who pecks Wood about woodchucking dilemmas? Before consulting with Woody Woodpecker, I discussed the issue with the talking trees in the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings movies. And to quote them they all said it was “aight”.

So after getting a hold of Woody Woodpeckers agent, who could also be considered a real woody if you know what I mean (I mean seriously, Woody Woodpecker is a like a D-list cartoon these days… He’s certainly gone the way of aquaman and captain planet in my opinion). I negotiated a meeting time at the Coffee Bean in Austin on 24^th Street, and Guadalupe, where I would eventually sit face to face with my wood-pecking (not wood-chucking) friend.

Mr. Woodpecker, who actually prefers to be referred to as Dickie (weird how that name is still very disturbing), was running late and could only stay for a brief discourse on his opinion of the self-esteem of the victim of his many pecking (once again not chucking) endeavors. He offered me this piece of behavioral analysis of wood; “Wood’s mystery is only exceeded by its power”… And with one gulp of his grande green tea latte, he was gone. But as he hopped his way off the high barstool, he left a card of a fellow cartoon character that would prove very beneficial to me in the future... Dickie Woodpecker might not be as dickish as once thought. And from here, my true investigation began… (Stay tuned!).

Ladies and gentlemen: Concrete

Joshua Goldberg

Materials: The Psychodynamics of Concrete

February 12^th, 2012

The Psychodynamics of Concrete

Doctor Sigmund Freud was the forefather of modern psychology through his highly controversial study of the psychodynamics comprising the underlying motives of human behavior…. But what about material behavior? I, Josh Goldberg, once again have embarked on a ground-breaking psychological study concerning the nature of a very essential and “rock hard” material that helps lay the foundation of our human culture. I of course am talking about the pimp master-flash known as concrete. Let us first examine the biographical history of concrete before we delve deeper into the eccentricity of his psychological essence.

Concrete grew up in Juneau Alaska where he developed many significant friendships with wolves in addition to the Coca Cola Polar Bear. Concrete and the Coke bear connected instantly over the shared hatred of plastic, which is really kind of a lame material if you think about it. I mean, seriously, it’s a pretty trippy material. It’s clear but sturdy at the same time; you’d think that they could make it at least a little colorful. Like maybe they should put Coke in yellow plastic bottles, it could really profit amongst yellow color loving peoples. At least, I thought it was interesting idea…Anyways, Concrete was an awkward child. Mr. Concrete was mostly absent from Concrete’s childhood, as he was usually basked out in the sun trying to cement himself in Alaskan culture. Consequently, Mrs. Concrete worked several jobs in order to compensate for Mr. Concrete’s laziness including being a seamstress in a local dry cleaners, an airline stewardess, and strangely enough a dancer at the local strip club titled “Naughty Linens N’ Things”. Our main protagonist was therefore forced to act as a caretaker amongst his siblings Rock, Hard, and Abs (Cement, Concrete’s stepbrother, was not present at the time during his childhood. Mrs. Concrete would later divorce Mr. Concrete and marry Mr. Granite).

Concrete would graduate high school with several honors (mostly in chemistry and geology) and would go on to attend college at Heavy Metal University. In High school, Concrete became a fitness consigliore to Rubber, who as I said last week, hated physical exercise (Iron was Concrete’s most adamant advisor and later appeared on the cover of Men’s Health magazine). I digress; Concrete would sadly drop out of school as a result of a rare sexual confusion disorder, where he actually forgot his gender. I know, it’s pretty crazy… I mean how could you forget your own gender? I mean, just go in the restroom and check for yourself... It’s really not that difficult. But he had it; weird. Anyways, herein lies the beginnings of our discourse of Concrete’s psychological mental status.

Though I have only been liscensed to practice in the African country known as Chad (It is worth noting that Chad edged out Chuck, Larry, and Gaylord in a vote by the people for the country’s name), and have only thus far practiced psychotherapy on lions and horizontally striped zebras, I believe I am competent enough to discuss my findings on our friend, concrete. Concrete tends to dwell best when compressed, rather than under tension. This probably reflects the nature of his relationship with his absent father, who we could say neglected him throughout most of Concrete’s childhood. After consulting Sigmund Freud’s grandson, Tommy Freud, it is assumed that Concrete has tremendous penis envy of his father. Weird again, but it’s the cold hard truth…. Poor Concrete.

In addition, Concrete’s obligations as caretaker for the rest of his siblings weighed heavily upon his psyche, and at times he felt extremely overwhelmed. Concrete developed restless leg syndrome as a result of his narcolepsy, where he, like his father, dries up and falls asleep very quickly under the sun. Basically, it would suck to be concrete.

Concrete is currently planning on returning to college in the fall, as he is currently being treated for his psychological problems at the Lindsay Lohan Institute of Really Screwed Up People. We wish him a speedy recovery and much success in all of his future endeavors.

Rubber Report 2012 (Behavioral Properties of Rubber)

Joshua Goldberg

February 9, 2012

Rubber Report 2012

What is this creature that dwells inside our supermarket superballs? Who is this character that composes our tires with such bouncy precision…

The answer, of course is rubber. Must of us use this kind and congenial being on a daily basis, but how many of us can say that we actually know this creature on a more personal level? After laboring some 50 hours this week doing intense investigative reporting, I, Josh Goldberg, have uncovered some groundbreaking knowledge concerning the behavior of our bouncy friend.

Rubber enjoys sleeping 8 hours a night and prefers to flip his pillow after the fourth hour of sleep. He frequently dreams about bouncing around in the racquetball courts, as he happily glides off white glistening walls of sweaty competition. Rubber usually wakes up at approximately 11:03 am, hops off to the kitchen where he enjoys a nice warm cup of Folgers with frosted flakes (he delights in utilizing fat free milk in his cereal, as he has gained some weight after entering middle age and he absolutely hates physical exercise). Rubber then adjourns to the living room where he spends his days in the company of his friend, the couch potato, as they watch television for a greater majority of the day. Couch Potato and Rubber usually watch a handful of shows including Cops, Friends, Spongebob Squarepants, and oddly enough, Gilmore Girls (Rubber does like to get in touch with his feminine side from time to time). Sometimes, when Rubber is feeling ambitious, he likes to head out for a nice round of golf with his other friend, Iron. Rubber doesn’t like Iron so much because Rubber is jealous of Iron’s strength and brawn (Iron does tend to get all the ladies).

Rubber grew up in the suburbs of Chatsworth (aka the Porn capital of the world), where his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Rubber, were pioneers in a certain industry of which Rubber never knew the exact details. Anyways, Rubber is of mixed descent (his father being black, his mother Caucasian), so our friend would be considered Albino (this is probably how his friendship with the albino squirrel began some years later). Our friend considers himself Jewish and keeps kosher. He visits Rabbi Tennis Raquet once every couple of weeks in order to maintain their friendship, which has lasted long after his bar mitzvah some thirty years ago. Rubber later moved to Austin Texas at the age of 18, in order to begin life as a college boy at UT.

When Rubber moved away from home to go to college, he became immersed in university culture, most notably, the fraternity life. As a liberal arts major in Human Sexuality Studies (in which he began to understand his parents role in the birth of contraception use), Rubber encountered a very manageable workload and found his way into his addiction of alcohol and later LSD. Our friend joined the Beta Alpha Mu fraternity (otherwise known as BAM) and over a four year span accumulated a 153-1 beer pong record (his only loss coming to a team comprised of Mr. Red Solo Cup and Mr. Ball). After graduating in the early 1990’s, Rubber dedicated his life to the family business in the adult entertainment industry and retired only a few years ago.

Rubber has remained faithful to his life partner, Couch Potato, for the last fifteen years and looks forward to their wedding in New York, July 2013.

Welcome

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