Wood Part 1

Joshua Goldberg

April 1^st, 2012

Wood Report

Hello all… After taking a brief sabbatical from my weekly/monthly/every other monthlyish blog on materials in which I observed the mating behavior of anorexic lesbian hippopattomi (plural of hippopotamus according to urban dictionary… I think), I’m back, baby. After traveling through the African plains of Chad its neighboring country, Fred, I have once again found my passion for discussing the psychological and biographical behaviors of certain materials in their natural habitat. Though rubber and cement were equally captivating and unique in their individual characteristics, perhaps neither maintains the god-like perfection of our next material, Wood.

After examining native African Joshua trees (perhaps the greatest tree known to man. Might I add that’s its extremely good-looking and very muscular just like real-life Joshuas). The question we have been all asking ourselves for the last two and a half centuries crossed my mind. This question sparked my interest for exploration for our hard and erect friend…. So what is this question you ask?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood? According to Eli Lipsky, a future economist and investor of the pizza company entitled “Legit Pizza”, the answer is 7. After scratching my head for a good few seconds, I began to ask him for more clarification of his answer but the elusive Lipsky disappeared from my sight as a great herd of Abercrombie and Hollister models crossed the African plains of Fred that were laid before me.

Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but feel intrigued by the question at hand. I reasoned that the number of woods a woodchuck could chuck was highly dependent on the confidence level of Wood on that given day. I asked Clinical Psychologist, Sigmund Freud Goldberg (the youngest ever canine to garner a doctorate degree in psychology at the young age of 3 months), about the importance of the confidence and self-esteem levels of our stiff friend, Wood. He instead was more interested in fetching tennis balls, chasing cats and licking his, oh shall we say “manly” regions and henceforth was of no such help. To my dismay, the woodchuck woodchucking conundrum was not as easy to answer as originally anticipated. But then, the an idea rivaling the greatness of those of Galileo Galile, John Locke, and Vanilla Ice came to me and my question finally became approachable, and eventually, solvable.

I harkened back to my childhood to a time where I wasted away weekends watching endless marathons of cartoons on cartoon network…. It was time for me to meet The Woody Woodpecker.

Now to briefly digress from this topic, you may be asking yourself why I would ask an individual who pecks Wood about woodchucking dilemmas? Before consulting with Woody Woodpecker, I discussed the issue with the talking trees in the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings movies. And to quote them they all said it was “aight”.

So after getting a hold of Woody Woodpeckers agent, who could also be considered a real woody if you know what I mean (I mean seriously, Woody Woodpecker is a like a D-list cartoon these days… He’s certainly gone the way of aquaman and captain planet in my opinion). I negotiated a meeting time at the Coffee Bean in Austin on 24^th Street, and Guadalupe, where I would eventually sit face to face with my wood-pecking (not wood-chucking) friend.

Mr. Woodpecker, who actually prefers to be referred to as Dickie (weird how that name is still very disturbing), was running late and could only stay for a brief discourse on his opinion of the self-esteem of the victim of his many pecking (once again not chucking) endeavors. He offered me this piece of behavioral analysis of wood; “Wood’s mystery is only exceeded by its power”… And with one gulp of his grande green tea latte, he was gone. But as he hopped his way off the high barstool, he left a card of a fellow cartoon character that would prove very beneficial to me in the future... Dickie Woodpecker might not be as dickish as once thought. And from here, my true investigation began… (Stay tuned!).